JUST SAY IT! Get out of your head and Trust your Instincts

Written by

Last week I was asked about office etiquette- ‘Is it still ok to say ‘Bless you’ when someone sneezes?’ That same day I saw a story about Starbucks holiday cups- are they LGBTQ friendly? Should they be? (the cup pictures two hands clasped together- same sex?). Later that day I was contacted by a blogger who asked about political correctness and mental health language.

All this makes me think we have become so sensitive that it’s difficult to say anything in the moment. In the example of the office etiquette: Your co-worker sneezes and your reaction is to say, ‘Bless you.’ Better check yourself first- Does ‘bless’ go too far to the religious side? Not sure about my co-worker’s beliefs- better reconsider. This analysis takes a while, so you’ve said nothing. The silence might be offensive. Now you need to apologize for saying nothing. Oh my. Before you know it, your co-worker’s sneeze- and how you should or shouldn’t respond- has become an obsession and the the focus of your day. WOW. Just say, ‘Bless you.’ If you’re on the receiving end of this and it offends you, SAY THAT. Now it’s out in the open and we can understand each other directly. Best way to find out what’s offensive or not.

Starbucks coffee cups will probably be the subject of much discussion every year, but the question about the clasped hands strikes me as wildly off track. What I mean is, two hands joined together for the holiday season- seems fairly straightforward and inoffensive. The idea that two people- whoever they are- unite physically and emotionally (there’s a heart underneath) feels pretty universal. Do we really need to find something objectionable?
The political correctness in the mental health field is a subject of much discussion and it feels like things change rapidly and often with no reason given. When I was in social work school (getting my MSW) I led a group called MICA (mentally ill chemical abusers). The year before the group was called Double Trouble. No explanation was offered for the name change and members seemed confused (Is this the double trouble group?). Recently I referred to my MICA group in a paper I wrote and the editor found the label ‘harsh’ changing to ‘persons with mental illness’ not ‘mentally ill.’ All this makes me wonder who is really offended? My group members had no problem with Double Trouble, MICA, using the words ‘mentally ill.’ So why make these changes?

Language is important, yes. Words, phrases and labels we use need to be evaluated and they change over time. No problem with that. The problem comes when we over analyze before we speak- second guessing our immediate reactions. This negates our instincts, our gut reactions- stops us from responding straight from the heart and showing who we are. Take the risk and share your authentic self. JUST SAY IT.

VENTING WITH PURPOSE: Why are you complaining?

Written by

Last week a friend of mine shared her frustration with an aerobics instructor at the gym (lousy music, boring routine -same every week). When she finished, she said, OK, so now that I’ve vented, I can go on with my day. Big smile and off she went. It got me thinking about the purpose of venting. We all do it, whether we call it venting, complaining or griping. Why? What do we get out of it? In the case of my friend, she simply wanted/needed to say it out loud. Once she verbalized it, she could let it go and move on.

In the workplace, venting is generally frowned upon. You’re not considered a good team player if you share too many negatives and gripe about policies or working conditions. But, if- like my friend- workers could share their frustrations openly, it might be an effective way to let things out and move on to productive work.

The problem is, how do you do that without it becoming a bottomless pit of frustration and depression? Once people start complaining, how do they stop?

Well, like everything else in the workplace and in life- for that matter, there needs to be a clear purpose. Everyone should be on the same page when it comes to WHY we are venting. What’s the end result we want to achieve? It might be to relieve stress, improve connection to co-workers (knowing others feel the same), improve ability to cope with difficulties, or maybe effect change within the team or organization.

You want to be realistic and practical. This means that you and your co-workers are clear on what is possible (or not) and how much time can be spent. For example, if the group is complaining about a corporate policy that has been implemented across all departments, changing or getting rid of this policy is probably impossible. Here the work needs to be about sharing to relieve stress and/or sharing strategies to cope with the inconvenient (maybe ridiculous in your mind) policy. On the other hand, if the group is talking about a policy the boss has instituted that makes no sense to anyone, you might spend time talking about how to approach the boss with a counter proposal to achieve the same results. Time is always relevant in the workplace: Are you sharing over lunch or an authorized break? If not, be aware of who might be listening and how much time you’re spending away from work tasks. You get behind in your work because you were venting- no benefit to anyone- especially if a busybody lets the boss know.

There is definitely a great deal of personal satisfaction and stress relief in venting and sharing complaints with co-workers. If this is your purpose, go for it. Just be strategic and stick to clear purpose and time frame. Is it possible that complaining can actually a team building activity?! More on this in future blogs.

NEW YEAR- NEW YOU- NEW GROUP Exercise Class: Fit in and make the most of your Exercise Class

Written by

From the Inside Out Project® is all about GROUPS- how we work together (or not) in professional and personal settings. We’re all part of many groups including: family, friends, co-workers AND Exercise Classes. Take a look at what I say about these groups.

 

It’s a NEW YEAR and you’ve decided it’s time to get in shape. You’ve joined a gym and plan to take classes: Pilates, body conditioning, zumba, step, kick boxing and more. GREAT. But before you jump in, familiarize yourself with exercise class etiquette. There are rules and norms! As a new group member, you need to learn and follow them. Here they are:

1- BE ON TIME– When you are late, the class is disrupted. You are finding and setting up equipment (noisy), setting down and unpacking your bag, even the door opening and closing is disruptive to those working out. Lateness in any group is inconsiderate.late

2– FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE GYM: If your gym has a sign up policy for classes or size/space limitations, learn and follow these rules. There is nothing worse than the member who comes in saying, ‘I didn’t know. Can’t I take the class anyway?’ You’ve put the instructor in a bind (needs to adhere to rules too!), inconvenienced others (we’ll probably start late now) and put yourself in the spotlight (not in a positive way-looking for special treatment- who do you think you are?)

3- NO CELLPHONES!– Put your phone away. This is not only disruptive and annoying (you’re not invisible!) but dangerous. Jumping, running, lifting- your phone may get damaged or broken. Certainly you can spare ONE HOUR (usual time of the class) away from contacts, texts and Facebook posts. Try it- you’ll be surprised how great it feels.

4- STAY IN THE CLASS– Most instructors have short breaks built into the class- chance to get water, towel off. This is the time to exit the class- Don’t saunter in and out of the class as if it’s your living room. It’s both inconsiderate and dangerous. Others are moving and will not stop or change direction so you can pass through. Watch out- you may get kicked.exercise-class-cartoon

5- LOOK TO THOSE IN THE KNOW– There is always a core group of regulars- people who attend the class regularly and can fill you in. These people are usually very helpful- they will review steps or exercises with you, explain what equipment is needed, give you the scoop on the instructor. But you need to ASK. Introduce yourself and get to know these people- they will be there every week and your relationship with them can make or break your class experience.

Exercise classes are a terrific way to get in shape- in a group. Treat it like a group- not just your personal workout- and you’ll benefit not only from the physical part- but also from the ‘people’ part. When you connect and respect others, you’ll feel welcomed and accepted. This positive attitude turns to motivation- you’ll need that to reach your fitness goals!

Political Discussions at Work: Should you open your mouth?

Written by

A few weeks ago, when I walked into a high end clothing store in NYC, the greeters were so engrossed in conversation, they didn’t see me. ‘How can Donald Trump not pay taxes? I can’t believe he says he understands the little guy.’ The day after the first debate, the cashiers in the grocery store were arguing over whether Hillary Clinton should have worn red. This past week waiters at a local restaurant ignored me and other patrons, as they gawked at  heated-discussionTrump’s ‘Bus video’ on their phones.

Talking with co-workers in the workplace is not new. We all do it- it helps pass the time, gives us a break and builds connections. Political discussions are also not new to the workplace, but this year the political arena is particularly thorny and emotions are running high. In the workplace, expressing your emotions and opinions might or might not be advisable. A few things to consider before you open your mouth:

1- Do your job– In the above examples, workers were shirking job responsibilities in favor of chatting with co-workers. Remember, you are on the clock- so the chatting shouldn’t prevent you from doing your job. Plenty of time to get your point across when you’re on a break or at lunch.

2- Keep it private– Make sure you are heard ONLY by the people you’re speaking to. In the above examples, customers could easily overhear. In other settings, supervisors, executives, clients and visitors may hear what you’re saying. Many dangers: Your words are taken out of context and repeated (Jane said WHAT?) and you’ve become the center of office gossip. Workers- including your boss- make judgements based on what they think you said. The outsider may report you to your supervisor- could be a competitive co-worker out to get you, customer who needs service or the CEO wondering why he/she’s paying workers to hang around and talk. Lots of possible outcomes here- none of them positive.

3- TRUST– If you decide to share political opinions in the workplace, choose your audience wisely. Ask yourself: Can I trust this person? The answer- YES or NO- should come to you immediately. If you’re not completely sure, don’t risk it. Your gut instinct is NEVER wrong. ‘Maybe’, or ‘I think so’ – will land you in trouble. Stay quiet. You won’t regret it.

In this heated and emotional climate just weeks before the election, BE CAREFUL. It’s so tempting to join in and share your strong feelings- be part of the lively debate. But at what cost? You have to return to work tomorrow and the next day- your words and actions TODAY may come back to bite you. Ask yourself: Is it worth it?

SMILING IS MANDATORY! Customer Training Pitfalls

Written by

When I worked as a hotel server and bartender, my co-workers and I attended many guest service (hotel speak for ‘customer service’) trainings. We were told to smile, use the guest’s name and accommodate special requests. There was no discussion of these directives and workers were not encouraged to ask questions or provide feedback. The following issues cropped up:SMILE

1-SMILE- Must I smile all the time? Not sure this is physically possible and/or appropriate in all situations. Customers often share upsetting stories: luggage was lost, room isn’t ready, son missed his plane. If I listen and respond with a bright smile pasted on my face, clearly I’m not hearing and empathizing (maybe I’m crazy!). What about when I’m busy serving a full restaurant: taking orders, processing checks, delivering food and drinks? I’m focused on the task(s) at hand and probably stressed. My priority is to stay calm and manage the workload- smiling is the least of my concerns.      Yet it’s #1 in customer service training.

2- USE GUEST NAME- The goal is to make the guest/customer feel special and valued, but this may have the opposite affect. If I ask your name, that may be seen as intrusive (I don’t want to know you- you’re just supposed to wait on me!). If I find your name from the front desk or reservation list, this may feel like stalking (How do you know my name? I’ve never been here before) And finally, knowing and using the name may create a false sense of familiarity between customer and employee (We’re not friends).

3- ACCOMMODATE SPECIAL REQUESTS- This one is particularly tricky because there are no limits set. How far do I go? Guest requests a drink that is time consuming to prepare and requires ingredients from the kitchen (on another floor). I can’t leave my post, so I need to find someone to make the trip to the kitchen to pick up and deliver the ingredients. Then I’ll need to take more time to prepare the drink. One customer is happy (maybe- it was a long wait!) but what about all the others requesting a glass of wine, beer or martini? They have to wait too, while I accommodate the special request. Now I’m stressed, behind in my work and more guests are unhappy. Was this the right way to go?

Training needs to be much more specific and these real life scenarios need to be FAKING HAPPYaddressed if management hopes to truly ‘serve’ the customer. Employees need to work through difficult situations with supervisors, so they are clear on how to proceed.

Smiling should be encouraged, but not required throughout the shift. Teaching employees how to use their personality- sense of humor, empathy, interests and knowledge- to connect with guests is needed to develop a strong authentic relationship. A smile (especially if it’s pasted on) is not enough. Using the guest’s name- maybe, if a relationship has developed (regular customer) but workers need to know the boundaries and how to professionally set them. It’s not part of my job to make ‘friends’ and giving customers a false sense of familiarity can muddy the waters and prevent me from effectively doing my job. Accommodating special requests is fine, but again- specifics. What are the policies and protocols? Once workers know when to set limits, they need to be taught how to effectively and professionally tell the customer: I’m sorry, that’s not possible. And deal with the fallout.

Training that is specific and practical is time consuming and requires management to think through their policies and expectations. Take the time to do this- it is well worth the effort. Your employees will appreciate it and begin to develop an authentic relationship with customers. No need to demand the smile now- it will come naturally- for both worker and customer.

An edited version of this appears on Art Petty’s Management Excellence Blog. Lots of great articles
and Art is terrific. 

Post Thanksgiving: Is GRATITUDE a trap?

Written by

Thanksgiving is all about being grateful for what you have. Count your blessings; make a gratitude list; be thankful forGRATITUDE this meal with family and friends. Nothing wrong with that. Evaluating and appreciating your life- what has meaning for you- is certainly a worthwhile activity.
HOWEVER, gratitude can also be a trap – an effective way to shut down conversation and eliminate complaints. For example, you speak out about your job: manager plays favorites, we don’t have supplies, meetings are too long and disorganized. Response you receive: You should be GRATEFUL you have a job. Lots of people are out of work and would kill to have your job.
NOW WHAT? Conversation over- back to work. You are shamed, dismissed and sent back to your corner. No need for further discussion or exploration of the problem- There is no problem! You have a job- be GRATEFUL- and get back to work.

What can you do? You really need those supplies and you’ve been passed over for extra shifts and promotions.
HOW TO COME BACK FROM: BE GRATEFUL

1- SMILE and AGREE
We can all agree that gratitude is important. We can also agree that many people are out of work and would be happy to tGRATEFULake our job (or any job). So, start there. Agree with your boss: ‘You are so right. I am grateful to have this job.’
2- YES AND….:
Now that you have agreed and validated your boss, you can go beyond gratitude to state your case. Focus on the importance of improving: ‘Certainly we all want to do the best job possible’ (no argument here). I really need supplies to do that- specifically XYZ. I’d like to know when you expect delivery. In the meantime, please let me know how to handle this without supplies.’
3- KEEP SMILING and FOLLOWUP
Keep that smile in place (even if it feels frozen). There is little to object to from an employee who smiles and suggests improvements to benefit the company. No matter what response you receive from your boss, offer to followup: ‘I’ll check back early next week. I know deliveries can be delayed.’

Be grateful for what you have and count your blessings, but don’t let gratitude stop you! We all have the right to examine, evaluate and offer critiques. Creative ideas and suggestions should be welcome- they contribute to progress and growth. Who can object to that?

LGBT in the Workplace: How to handle slights, slurs and derogatory comments

Written by

When I was asked to write an article for Advancing Women about LGBT workers, I found myself overwhelmed with possibilities. Conflict, relationships, identity- all broad topics with many applicable issues. As I thought about this and began to narrow down the options, I decided to tackle the slights, slurs and derogatory comments LGBT employees encounter. These subtle (or not so subtle) jabs negatively affect the employee’s attitude, behavior, relationships and ultimately productivity. No way to live or work.  RESPECT-RAINBOW

What to do when you encounter these jabs is the subject of my article: http://bit.ly/1RnMr6e . When that offensive comment is made, you need a specific strategy- what is your goal and how will you get there? I help take you through the steps. Make your position clear AND keep you job.

 

Why say THANKS!

Written by

This time of year we are all running low on energy, patience and positive attitude. Employees on all levels may be calling out due to weather conditions and illness, and those able to get to work are putting in long hours to pick up the slack. Managers: take a moment to thank those who braved the tough conditions and made it to work. This takes no time at all and goes a long way in boosting morale and getting buy in from your staff.

Don’t do this: Hurricane Sandy (New York City 2012) Large hotel sent home several hourly employees who had walked many miles to get to work and help out. These employees were told, “We don’t need you to stay. Too much overtime.” WOW. You’ve lost those employees. Don’t look to them for help ever again.

Do this: New York City (Winter 2014) Extreme cold and countless snowstorms.
High school principal wrote a letter of appreciation to all staff members with perfect attendance. Letters were placed in staff permanent file. What a th-1terrific way to acknowledge job well done. Bet that principal has a loyal following.

Remember, it takes just a moment to say Thanks! Benefits last much longer.

Why aren’t you SMILING?

Written by

On a recent TODAY show episode, Hoda and Kathie Lee shared their experience with strangers on the street calling out: “You’re so pretty. Why aren’t you smiling?” The discussion centered on the sexism of this (men rarely- if ever- get these comments) and the expectation that women should perpetually smile.SMILE

A similar phenomenon occurs for women (and occasionally men) in customer service positions. Bartenders, food and cocktail servers, cashiers, front desk employees, sales personnel- are expected to SMILE at all times when they are working. Not only is this not physically possible, it is not natural, and assumes a superficial “cheerleader” presence. These employees are working- focusing on the task(s) at hand, managing interactions, responsibilities and stress. The question: Why aren’t you smiling? puts unfair demands on the employee- 1- Answer the question 2- Smile. In the midst of a busy stressful shift, this is distracting and feels patronizing and offensive. The question/demand to smile implies that the job is easy, carefree and fun (not the case) and that the customer has the right to dictate facial expressions (of course not).

Think about this the next time you’re in a restaurant, bar, hotel or store. Evaluate the employee based on job performance and behavior, not the smile (or lack thereof). You’ll see competent customer service employees effectively assisting customers in a variety of ways. Smile included? Maybe, but not always.  More on smiling in future blogs.

Who will work on Black Friday?

Written by
images-1

 

Black Friday for many of us means shopping, great deals, family, turkey sandwiches and an extra day off work. But for many hourly employees Black Friday is a work day. If you’re scheduled to work (you normally work every Friday), but you really have difficulty managing crowds and need the day off, what do you do? You could approach management and request the day off, but what if the answer is NO? Try working something out with a co worker. If you have a strong relationship, and are willing to give back (I’ll work Christmas Eve for you), you might get Black Friday off. These schedule switches really come in handy and management will usually approve if it doesn’t cost them anything. But the key is a sturdy relationship with your co workers. Be willing to help, and the help will be returned. You may just escape the crowds on Black Friday.