JUST SAY IT! Get out of your head and Trust your Instincts

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Last week I was asked about office etiquette- ‘Is it still ok to say ‘Bless you’ when someone sneezes?’ That same day I saw a story about Starbucks holiday cups- are they LGBTQ friendly? Should they be? (the cup pictures two hands clasped together- same sex?). Later that day I was contacted by a blogger who asked about political correctness and mental health language.

All this makes me think we have become so sensitive that it’s difficult to say anything in the moment. In the example of the office etiquette: Your co-worker sneezes and your reaction is to say, ‘Bless you.’ Better check yourself first- Does ‘bless’ go too far to the religious side? Not sure about my co-worker’s beliefs- better reconsider. This analysis takes a while, so you’ve said nothing. The silence might be offensive. Now you need to apologize for saying nothing. Oh my. Before you know it, your co-worker’s sneeze- and how you should or shouldn’t respond- has become an obsession and the the focus of your day. WOW. Just say, ‘Bless you.’ If you’re on the receiving end of this and it offends you, SAY THAT. Now it’s out in the open and we can understand each other directly. Best way to find out what’s offensive or not.

Starbucks coffee cups will probably be the subject of much discussion every year, but the question about the clasped hands strikes me as wildly off track. What I mean is, two hands joined together for the holiday season- seems fairly straightforward and inoffensive. The idea that two people- whoever they are- unite physically and emotionally (there’s a heart underneath) feels pretty universal. Do we really need to find something objectionable?
The political correctness in the mental health field is a subject of much discussion and it feels like things change rapidly and often with no reason given. When I was in social work school (getting my MSW) I led a group called MICA (mentally ill chemical abusers). The year before the group was called Double Trouble. No explanation was offered for the name change and members seemed confused (Is this the double trouble group?). Recently I referred to my MICA group in a paper I wrote and the editor found the label ‘harsh’ changing to ‘persons with mental illness’ not ‘mentally ill.’ All this makes me wonder who is really offended? My group members had no problem with Double Trouble, MICA, using the words ‘mentally ill.’ So why make these changes?

Language is important, yes. Words, phrases and labels we use need to be evaluated and they change over time. No problem with that. The problem comes when we over analyze before we speak- second guessing our immediate reactions. This negates our instincts, our gut reactions- stops us from responding straight from the heart and showing who we are. Take the risk and share your authentic self. JUST SAY IT.

VENTING WITH PURPOSE: Why are you complaining?

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Last week a friend of mine shared her frustration with an aerobics instructor at the gym (lousy music, boring routine -same every week). When she finished, she said, OK, so now that I’ve vented, I can go on with my day. Big smile and off she went. It got me thinking about the purpose of venting. We all do it, whether we call it venting, complaining or griping. Why? What do we get out of it? In the case of my friend, she simply wanted/needed to say it out loud. Once she verbalized it, she could let it go and move on.

In the workplace, venting is generally frowned upon. You’re not considered a good team player if you share too many negatives and gripe about policies or working conditions. But, if- like my friend- workers could share their frustrations openly, it might be an effective way to let things out and move on to productive work.

The problem is, how do you do that without it becoming a bottomless pit of frustration and depression? Once people start complaining, how do they stop?

Well, like everything else in the workplace and in life- for that matter, there needs to be a clear purpose. Everyone should be on the same page when it comes to WHY we are venting. What’s the end result we want to achieve? It might be to relieve stress, improve connection to co-workers (knowing others feel the same), improve ability to cope with difficulties, or maybe effect change within the team or organization.

You want to be realistic and practical. This means that you and your co-workers are clear on what is possible (or not) and how much time can be spent. For example, if the group is complaining about a corporate policy that has been implemented across all departments, changing or getting rid of this policy is probably impossible. Here the work needs to be about sharing to relieve stress and/or sharing strategies to cope with the inconvenient (maybe ridiculous in your mind) policy. On the other hand, if the group is talking about a policy the boss has instituted that makes no sense to anyone, you might spend time talking about how to approach the boss with a counter proposal to achieve the same results. Time is always relevant in the workplace: Are you sharing over lunch or an authorized break? If not, be aware of who might be listening and how much time you’re spending away from work tasks. You get behind in your work because you were venting- no benefit to anyone- especially if a busybody lets the boss know.

There is definitely a great deal of personal satisfaction and stress relief in venting and sharing complaints with co-workers. If this is your purpose, go for it. Just be strategic and stick to clear purpose and time frame. Is it possible that complaining can actually a team building activity?! More on this in future blogs.

Political Discussions at Work: Should you open your mouth?

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A few weeks ago, when I walked into a high end clothing store in NYC, the greeters were so engrossed in conversation, they didn’t see me. ‘How can Donald Trump not pay taxes? I can’t believe he says he understands the little guy.’ The day after the first debate, the cashiers in the grocery store were arguing over whether Hillary Clinton should have worn red. This past week waiters at a local restaurant ignored me and other patrons, as they gawked at  heated-discussionTrump’s ‘Bus video’ on their phones.

Talking with co-workers in the workplace is not new. We all do it- it helps pass the time, gives us a break and builds connections. Political discussions are also not new to the workplace, but this year the political arena is particularly thorny and emotions are running high. In the workplace, expressing your emotions and opinions might or might not be advisable. A few things to consider before you open your mouth:

1- Do your job– In the above examples, workers were shirking job responsibilities in favor of chatting with co-workers. Remember, you are on the clock- so the chatting shouldn’t prevent you from doing your job. Plenty of time to get your point across when you’re on a break or at lunch.

2- Keep it private– Make sure you are heard ONLY by the people you’re speaking to. In the above examples, customers could easily overhear. In other settings, supervisors, executives, clients and visitors may hear what you’re saying. Many dangers: Your words are taken out of context and repeated (Jane said WHAT?) and you’ve become the center of office gossip. Workers- including your boss- make judgements based on what they think you said. The outsider may report you to your supervisor- could be a competitive co-worker out to get you, customer who needs service or the CEO wondering why he/she’s paying workers to hang around and talk. Lots of possible outcomes here- none of them positive.

3- TRUST– If you decide to share political opinions in the workplace, choose your audience wisely. Ask yourself: Can I trust this person? The answer- YES or NO- should come to you immediately. If you’re not completely sure, don’t risk it. Your gut instinct is NEVER wrong. ‘Maybe’, or ‘I think so’ – will land you in trouble. Stay quiet. You won’t regret it.

In this heated and emotional climate just weeks before the election, BE CAREFUL. It’s so tempting to join in and share your strong feelings- be part of the lively debate. But at what cost? You have to return to work tomorrow and the next day- your words and actions TODAY may come back to bite you. Ask yourself: Is it worth it?

LGBT in the Workplace: How to handle slights, slurs and derogatory comments

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When I was asked to write an article for Advancing Women about LGBT workers, I found myself overwhelmed with possibilities. Conflict, relationships, identity- all broad topics with many applicable issues. As I thought about this and began to narrow down the options, I decided to tackle the slights, slurs and derogatory comments LGBT employees encounter. These subtle (or not so subtle) jabs negatively affect the employee’s attitude, behavior, relationships and ultimately productivity. No way to live or work.  RESPECT-RAINBOW

What to do when you encounter these jabs is the subject of my article: http://bit.ly/1RnMr6e . When that offensive comment is made, you need a specific strategy- what is your goal and how will you get there? I help take you through the steps. Make your position clear AND keep you job.

 

Recent News and Press

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CBS MONEYWATCH: http://cbsn.ws/1xVprFF

Surviving a Black Friday Work Shift

Tips for managing Black Friday stress are useful all year long

REFINERY29.com: http://r29.co/1ugUtS9                                                                                                                                

breaking-newsPassive Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace

Managing your behavior and dealing with coworkers

 

 

What’s the problem with Team Building?

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team building1

Employees are often called team members, so it would follow that strengthening or building the team would result in a unified group and more efficient work force. Employers often schedule team building activities, retreats and gatherings to encourage and foster a team spirit. So, what’s the problem? The problem is hourly employees aren’t interested in being on a team. They are hired to do a job and when the shift is over, they are out the door. That is the contract (whether verbal or formally written, as in a Union shop) they enter into when they accept the position. The expectation that hourly employees will welcome the chance to bond with team members (especially if there is no compensation to do so) is not realistic. When I was an hourly employee, I always wondered, What’s the point? And what’s in it for me? Management would do well to answer those questions before urging hourly employees to join the team.

Can you say “NO”?

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no-yes“Some people just can’t say NO,” my friend said. He was talking about a potential client who strung him along for weeks with requests for proposals and information, but made no commitment. Why couldn’t the client just say “NO, I’m not interested”? Saying NO can be uncomfortable and many of us avoid it.

In the workplace, hourly employees often feel they should say NO but don’t quite know how to do this. For example, manager asks hotel room attendant to tend to an area outside the room (vacuum the hallway, clean a stain on the hallway carpet). This is clearly not part of his/her job, but how do you say NO to your boss? Room attendant may reluctantly complete the extra task, but fall behind in his/her other work. Co-workers are angry because now they will be expected to do the same extra jobs. Workers may involve Human Resources and/or the Union to clarify job duties, and the room attendant may be scapegoated and shunned by peers.

Incidents like the one described above are costly – in terms of time and productivity (employees on all levels working to resolve the issue) and customer service suffers (everyone is in HR sorting this out, rather than on the floor cleaning guest rooms).
SO, it is worth the investment to teach employees how to communicate effectively and handle difficult situations like this one. The hallway will be vacuumed and carpet stain removed in a timely fashion by the appropriate worker.