JUST SAY IT! Get out of your head and Trust your Instincts

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Last week I was asked about office etiquette- ‘Is it still ok to say ‘Bless you’ when someone sneezes?’ That same day I saw a story about Starbucks holiday cups- are they LGBTQ friendly? Should they be? (the cup pictures two hands clasped together- same sex?). Later that day I was contacted by a blogger who asked about political correctness and mental health language.

All this makes me think we have become so sensitive that it’s difficult to say anything in the moment. In the example of the office etiquette: Your co-worker sneezes and your reaction is to say, ‘Bless you.’ Better check yourself first- Does ‘bless’ go too far to the religious side? Not sure about my co-worker’s beliefs- better reconsider. This analysis takes a while, so you’ve said nothing. The silence might be offensive. Now you need to apologize for saying nothing. Oh my. Before you know it, your co-worker’s sneeze- and how you should or shouldn’t respond- has become an obsession and the the focus of your day. WOW. Just say, ‘Bless you.’ If you’re on the receiving end of this and it offends you, SAY THAT. Now it’s out in the open and we can understand each other directly. Best way to find out what’s offensive or not.

Starbucks coffee cups will probably be the subject of much discussion every year, but the question about the clasped hands strikes me as wildly off track. What I mean is, two hands joined together for the holiday season- seems fairly straightforward and inoffensive. The idea that two people- whoever they are- unite physically and emotionally (there’s a heart underneath) feels pretty universal. Do we really need to find something objectionable?
The political correctness in the mental health field is a subject of much discussion and it feels like things change rapidly and often with no reason given. When I was in social work school (getting my MSW) I led a group called MICA (mentally ill chemical abusers). The year before the group was called Double Trouble. No explanation was offered for the name change and members seemed confused (Is this the double trouble group?). Recently I referred to my MICA group in a paper I wrote and the editor found the label ‘harsh’ changing to ‘persons with mental illness’ not ‘mentally ill.’ All this makes me wonder who is really offended? My group members had no problem with Double Trouble, MICA, using the words ‘mentally ill.’ So why make these changes?

Language is important, yes. Words, phrases and labels we use need to be evaluated and they change over time. No problem with that. The problem comes when we over analyze before we speak- second guessing our immediate reactions. This negates our instincts, our gut reactions- stops us from responding straight from the heart and showing who we are. Take the risk and share your authentic self. JUST SAY IT.

VENTING WITH PURPOSE: Why are you complaining?

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Last week a friend of mine shared her frustration with an aerobics instructor at the gym (lousy music, boring routine -same every week). When she finished, she said, OK, so now that I’ve vented, I can go on with my day. Big smile and off she went. It got me thinking about the purpose of venting. We all do it, whether we call it venting, complaining or griping. Why? What do we get out of it? In the case of my friend, she simply wanted/needed to say it out loud. Once she verbalized it, she could let it go and move on.

In the workplace, venting is generally frowned upon. You’re not considered a good team player if you share too many negatives and gripe about policies or working conditions. But, if- like my friend- workers could share their frustrations openly, it might be an effective way to let things out and move on to productive work.

The problem is, how do you do that without it becoming a bottomless pit of frustration and depression? Once people start complaining, how do they stop?

Well, like everything else in the workplace and in life- for that matter, there needs to be a clear purpose. Everyone should be on the same page when it comes to WHY we are venting. What’s the end result we want to achieve? It might be to relieve stress, improve connection to co-workers (knowing others feel the same), improve ability to cope with difficulties, or maybe effect change within the team or organization.

You want to be realistic and practical. This means that you and your co-workers are clear on what is possible (or not) and how much time can be spent. For example, if the group is complaining about a corporate policy that has been implemented across all departments, changing or getting rid of this policy is probably impossible. Here the work needs to be about sharing to relieve stress and/or sharing strategies to cope with the inconvenient (maybe ridiculous in your mind) policy. On the other hand, if the group is talking about a policy the boss has instituted that makes no sense to anyone, you might spend time talking about how to approach the boss with a counter proposal to achieve the same results. Time is always relevant in the workplace: Are you sharing over lunch or an authorized break? If not, be aware of who might be listening and how much time you’re spending away from work tasks. You get behind in your work because you were venting- no benefit to anyone- especially if a busybody lets the boss know.

There is definitely a great deal of personal satisfaction and stress relief in venting and sharing complaints with co-workers. If this is your purpose, go for it. Just be strategic and stick to clear purpose and time frame. Is it possible that complaining can actually a team building activity?! More on this in future blogs.

NEW YEAR- NEW YOU- NEW GROUP Exercise Class: Fit in and make the most of your Exercise Class

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From the Inside Out Project® is all about GROUPS- how we work together (or not) in professional and personal settings. We’re all part of many groups including: family, friends, co-workers AND Exercise Classes. Take a look at what I say about these groups.

 

It’s a NEW YEAR and you’ve decided it’s time to get in shape. You’ve joined a gym and plan to take classes: Pilates, body conditioning, zumba, step, kick boxing and more. GREAT. But before you jump in, familiarize yourself with exercise class etiquette. There are rules and norms! As a new group member, you need to learn and follow them. Here they are:

1- BE ON TIME– When you are late, the class is disrupted. You are finding and setting up equipment (noisy), setting down and unpacking your bag, even the door opening and closing is disruptive to those working out. Lateness in any group is inconsiderate.late

2– FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE GYM: If your gym has a sign up policy for classes or size/space limitations, learn and follow these rules. There is nothing worse than the member who comes in saying, ‘I didn’t know. Can’t I take the class anyway?’ You’ve put the instructor in a bind (needs to adhere to rules too!), inconvenienced others (we’ll probably start late now) and put yourself in the spotlight (not in a positive way-looking for special treatment- who do you think you are?)

3- NO CELLPHONES!– Put your phone away. This is not only disruptive and annoying (you’re not invisible!) but dangerous. Jumping, running, lifting- your phone may get damaged or broken. Certainly you can spare ONE HOUR (usual time of the class) away from contacts, texts and Facebook posts. Try it- you’ll be surprised how great it feels.

4- STAY IN THE CLASS– Most instructors have short breaks built into the class- chance to get water, towel off. This is the time to exit the class- Don’t saunter in and out of the class as if it’s your living room. It’s both inconsiderate and dangerous. Others are moving and will not stop or change direction so you can pass through. Watch out- you may get kicked.exercise-class-cartoon

5- LOOK TO THOSE IN THE KNOW– There is always a core group of regulars- people who attend the class regularly and can fill you in. These people are usually very helpful- they will review steps or exercises with you, explain what equipment is needed, give you the scoop on the instructor. But you need to ASK. Introduce yourself and get to know these people- they will be there every week and your relationship with them can make or break your class experience.

Exercise classes are a terrific way to get in shape- in a group. Treat it like a group- not just your personal workout- and you’ll benefit not only from the physical part- but also from the ‘people’ part. When you connect and respect others, you’ll feel welcomed and accepted. This positive attitude turns to motivation- you’ll need that to reach your fitness goals!